I know it's been hard for you & it's been equally hard for me. I am not heartless & I do have feelings too.
Perhaps because I've been giving a lot to all my relationships, that I am tired already. I start to think for myself if continuous giving is what I want. If things should be so one-sided. Previously, you were the one who were not trusting of people & somehow, I think it has somehow passed on to me. After the past week of struggle, I kept on thinking to myself why I am so determined & firm? I think I may have the answer. I do not dare to invest in relationships. My previous one, took away my everything, leaving me with nothing, but lost friendships & spoiled reputation at the end of it. But I was stronger then & did not allow that kind of hurt to affect my next one. Having lost one, I dare not imagine losing another one & thus I have always be the patient & accommodating girlfriend. Even if your angers turns out to be nothing but tantrums, I will still accept it & try to talk to you to make you smile. I thought in this way, I will be able to keep you by my side. It did but it made me so not myself. I realized, that I have not really been myself for very long.
You are not the problem anymore, it's shifted onto me. I don't think I have enough energy to love. I don't think I can invest that kind of trust anymore. I have lost faith in relationships, unsure of what I want from it.
I have previously wish to get marry early & have kids before I'm too old, but not anymore. You were constantly worrying that I will be attracted to the care & attention showered by others but I just want to tell that it's not the case. I do not necessary need that kind of attention for me to go on in life. Now I am the lost one in relationships & I have decided to invest the energy into my work, studies & family - three areas which I have neglected for way too long.
I am touched by your words but I also do not wish to be in a position like how you were previously - unable to trust someone else. I will definitely not step into it again, unless I'm absolutely sure that I can love & trust again. It might take a long time, I dunno, but I would not be selfish on this & I will be happy for you if you can find someone who can make you trust again, someone whom you can talk to about your level of stress, and perhaps someone who doesn't have that much a burden as the one I have on my shoulders.
I need alone time for now & I may regret my decision one day but by then, I can only blame myself.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
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I know I am selfish. I can't give a good explanation to this also.
But since my last relationship, I have always been the one giving. Indeed, in a relationship, we shouldn't be too bothered by who's giving more or who's giving less but when one side of it has been heavy for too long, things will just be unbalanced. I dare not say I've been a very good girlfriend all along, but I have definitely exceeded what one would expect of me.
It is not that I do not want to give another chance, but the thing is, I do not think I am mentally well-prepared yet. You gave me a time frame, beyond which, you won't turn back. I do not know how to react to that. Am I expected to heal things in me within a period of time? For me myself, I was just hoping that by catching up on other areas of my life, I will be able to be emotionally & mentally well-prepared again, whereas for you, time is a factor.
When you told me that you missed me & needed me back, I am touched cos I missed you too.
But am I ready yet? It wasn't easy for me to come to this decision & I can't just take it back as if nothing happened.
I am single now, but I definitely would not get involved in another relationship anytime soon. I have many friends of the opposite gender but that don't make them my potential.
You can choose to believe my previous statement or not.
Bottomline is, I need time to heal & decide again what I want from here.
I am currently still physically ill, and same things apply, I need to rest & recover first.
Logging off for the night.
Monday, June 8, 2009
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I somehow have this feeling that you will read this post right after I post it up.
This is going to be one long post, just like how big a part you've played in my life.
Every relationship comes with it both the happy & the sad parts but I always choose to remember the happy times as they are what made the relationship beautiful. Yes, I have chosen to take a break for awhile. My life is overwhelmed with too many things & I have thoughts constantly coming into my mind. I have always played my part as a partner who is always there. Whenever you're out of town, I will always be in lecture, taking down notes in case you need them. I will always be by your side during examination to accompany you in revision. I will always send you the latest notes uploaded by lecturers for you to print. I will always tell you the latest announcements posted up by lecturers. I have done my part as a decent girlfriend at least. I thought you appreciate it too, just that you're not those who will show affection thus I am okay with it.
I know this is going to be one old story but it all started from that day when you doubted me, when you think I deliberately do not want you to do your tutorial so that you won't know how to do the quiz. The most hurting thing is, I was the one who sent them to you at the start of the semester, asking you to print them. You forgot about them but managed to relocate them after the quiz and somehow, the one person you've chosen to blame was me. Why would I have done that? I'm not God, I don't know what kind of questions are coming out for the quiz. This misunderstanding is way over long ago but the hurt started then. I struggled with myself for very long for that period of time when you refused to talk to me, still in your own world, thinking that I'm the mastermind behind all these. I kept on thinking to myself.. 'Is this what I get? Am I really that despicable? Am I so untrustworthy?'. I dunno. But at that point of time, I really think that I can't stand it anymore. Still somehow, I dunno why, my heart softens when you apologized. I forgave you almost immediately. Friends wonder why I can manage to undo this kind of hurt inflicted on me that fast? Maybe it is cos you matter too much to me, that I don't want to think about losing you. For that few days when you refused to talk to me, I tossed & turned at night, afraid that I will lose you the next minute. I talked to friends whom I hope can give me some clue on how I can bring the message across to you that I am not what you think I am.
And then a mutual friend of us broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years & got together with another friend of ours. It reminded you of the bad past, the past that haunted you for very long. I was once again doubted, for whether or not I will end up like that. We all know things are out of our control & we never know what awaits us tomorrow but I have always showered you with actions & words that I'm always by your side, if not I would not have done so so much for you. This was the tipping point. Why am I living under the shadow of your past? Why am I being constantly compared to your past? I'm Esther, & not someone else & so, don't assume I will become like someone else.
For me personally, having someone whom I have spent one and a half years with, to always doubt me, is the most hurting thing. Many would not disagree if I say I've put in my 101% into a relationship.
I'm tired of giving in, always thinking how I can dissolve the misunderstanding, when you blew your top or when you distrusted me. Have you ever worked as hard as me, in trying to mend back relationships? Why am I always the one who's afraid to lose you while you, always suggest for me the easy way out if I can't stand your anger problem? I always tell you about your anger problem cos I really think there is more that could have been done. Being better than the past doesn't make you stop improving.
Have you not taken me for granted? Have you not hurt me deeply with your little actions?
Will you ever change yourself just for me?
I dunno. I'm tired.
I have a new job awaiting me & already I'm mentally drained. Why do I still want to worry if you would just suddenly suggest to me to take the easy way out again if I ever bring up any issues to you?
I cared for you. That's why you always wake up to a much neater room every Monday morning before you go to work. Tables are tidied up for you. Bed is properly made for you.
I really did a lot for you. Have you realized it now?
I just need to step out of this picture for awhile & enjoy the breeze a little.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
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I choose not to look at the last date of me posting something on this blog.
I didn't expect the past 4 months, at least, to be so so so busy. And I always think that the previous semesters were already quite bad. Two design projects, total of six group lab reports & not to mention the homework submissions & the quizzes to prepare for. This may sound like nothing to most of the people out there but when you are actually the one in my shoes, u will see how scary it is. Main thing would be that we still have to hold a day time job while juggling all these. Meeting up after work or classes & burning all our weekends seem like a norm. I must say that for this semester, I have made full use of school facilities but I still think we are overcharged. Haha.. Anyway, it is really a big *phew* after the last paper. Although the papers for this semester were all VERY DIFFICULT, everyone still jump up in joy upon the end of the last paper.
Actually after such a tiring school term, I have more thoughts of the things around me.
After the last paper, we actually rewarded ourselves with a good meal at Cafe Cartel @ IMM. I then excused myself to go withdraw some cash with Nancy. On the way back, I asked her, 'It is very difficult to make people understand how busy we are, isn't it?' and she immediately agreed with me. We went on & on and grumbled to each other on the days we had. It's like, who would want to give up all the fun out there? And who wants to spend all their weekends in school? Often, we are being misunderstood as the dao one, or the anti-social. But at the very least, it has made the friendship between me & my closer friends in class much stronger.
This year's birthday, I spent it at home, study for my quiz on the following day. Though I'm at a age whereby birthdays shouldn't be such a significant thing anymore, still somehow it just makes you smile to know that one more person remembers your day. At least all the Facebook posts & smses did make my day. Initially, I thought that's it, no celebration for this year but who knows, at the end of the quiz on that Friday (2 days after my birthday), everyone turned up for the dinner which I thought would be just between me & keong. All lied to me that they are unavailable & can't make it for dinner to mark this last quiz of the semester. It was a sweet surprise which I will never forget. No proper planning, no nice presents but the presence of everyone makes me feel so blessed, really. =)
Met Angela for dinner yesterday & it was a nice & enjoyable dinner which is full of laughter. We went to have steamboat & ended the day by patronizing the new Illuma @ Bugis. Honestly, the place is boring. Yes, it is spacious but still one word - boring.
Right now, at this very moment, I am still mentally & physically drained & yet I can't seem to fall asleep. Perhaps I'm used to all the staying-up-till-2am kind of timing that I can no longer adjust my biological clock back to the normal time which working adults should sleep at. The only different thing now is that I can sleep without any stress at all. I must say, I have put in 101% effort this time round, after doing not so ideally for my Fluid Mechanics last semester. I do hope to reap what I reaped. Maybe you can say I'm pushing myself too hard but to me, it is just like you will work hard for what you most desire. You love your job & you will work harder to prove yourself useful at work. You love music & you practise day & night so that you can play that favourite tunr of yours. My goal is to get at least a second class (upper) honours & I am working towards it now. I am keeping my fingers crossed.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
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Life's been hectic & before I know it, the Chinese New Year is already here.
What do I wish for the new year?
I hope for good health for both my parents. I hope that my company will still do as good cos I need my job. I hope to get the A's I deserve.
I hope you will keep yourself cool before getting angry. If you can control your anger on others, on a person who snatched away your parking lot, why not me as well? I hope you can keep your job & get the promotions u deserve. I hope you will continue to work hard with me in school & in other aspects of our life. All in all, I pray for the best for everything in your life.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
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My internet was ridiculously slow the other day & I really gave up on uploading after 4 hours on blogger. I am so going to complain to Starhub for it~ (Yeah, I am so going to Swensens. HAHA.. not funny. Maybe only Angela will always entertain my jokes. wahhaha)
Anyway, here's more photographs. Though they are getting more and more back-dated.... Don't mind lah hor. =)
Sun Yat-sen Memorial Hall (Cont'd)
Shi-da Night Market
Chiang Kai-shek Memorial Hall
Our last Saturday @ Taipei. =)
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On the other hand, school is really at its craziest. We're taking a Year 3 module at our last semester of our 2nd year. Of all the 3 modules I'm taking this sem, all 3 are lab-based. In total, we have 6 lab reports and 2 design projects to complete! I always appear very cool in school when it comes to all the piling workload, but this time jialat liao. Now I've finally found one more person who can share my busy workload with. Angela lor! She's my junior in NUS now~ and she can slowly understand what 'BUSY' really means. =(
Sunday, January 11, 2009
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Yeah, I'm back. =)
With more photographs of cos. Been really busy even without school.
Dan Shui Old Street A very old style shop, with all our childhood toys & snacks. =)
Another old style TCM hall.
On the train back from Danshui.
Not much photographs for Danshui as it was raining with heavy wind, and both of us were seriously freezing. The hat & gloves were bought at Danshui street when I can no longer tahan the coldness.
Yang Ming Shan
Shilin Night Market (AGAIN!) Sweet BBQ corn
Ai Yu Bing
Strawberry Ice
At starbucks. ;)
Sun Yat-Sen Memorial Hall
Be back soon!!
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
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Yeah. Sorry, I was really tired when I was typing my last post. I just fell straight asleep after that.. =)
Anyway, the last batches of photographs I uploaded ended with the one on Wo Cai filming right? It was really a very interesting day for us. That episode features E-cup babes. Good for keong. Nothing interesting for me. Just that.. erm.. they were really a lil bouncy. =))))
More photographs.
At Beitou for our hot spring (Japanese: onsen!)
Fisherman's Wharf(Yu Ren Ma Tou)
The night view of the Fisherman's Wharf is BEAUTIFUL~
Okay, I think I need to have a Part 3 for my trip. I am permanently tired. Yeah, I know that Someone will agree like crazy. zzz.
Next entry: Danshui Old Street, Chiang Kai-shek Memorial Hall, Sun Yat-sen Memorial Hall & other random pics.
Next next entry: My way overdue New Year Resolutions! (^.^) v
Be back soon. Stay tuned. ;)
Monday, January 5, 2009
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HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
I know I'm a little too late.. but well, I only touched down to SG yesterday at 11pm & reached home after MN. Had to go to work this morning too. Woke up at 6am and took a cab all the way to Jurong Island. Just want to pamper myself once in awhile..
Yes yes, I've just returned from my Taiwan trip! First time going for a trip on my own (with my dearest too, of cos. =) ) Previously went to Thailand with school during my secondary school days but it is like donkey years ago.. Can't remember how it felt like on an airplane anymore. Flew to Taiwan on 27th December 2008 & only returned yesterday. Went for a holiday from Y2008 to Y2009! haha.. 2 years of holiday~
WELCOME 2 TAIWAN! wahaha..
Went to many many many places. The highlight of the trip was the Wo Cai filming. Hehe.. finally get to see Jacky Wu & Ah Ya in person. Jacky & Ah Ya really make the best partnership when it comes to hosting. Respect! =)
Lazy to type already.. as usual.. I shall let the photographs do the talking! Anyway, this is Part 1 only. Too many photographs.. Will have to split into parts.. Cos I need to sleep soon. =P Day 1: Shilin Night Market
Bing Tang Hu Lu! Too sweet.. Don't really like it a lot.
They have this punching game.. you can choose several characters such as Li Teng Hui, Ah Bian & Ma Ying Jiu. It's funny to the max lah! Look at that expression of Ah Bian! WAHAHAH. And that tummy! WAHAHAHA. Day 2: Taipei 101 & Xi Men Ding
Yeah yeah, I can't get to dress like that in SG!
When we first arrived....
From the 89th floor!
At New York New York Shopping Centre opposite Taipei 101
Xi men ding!
We spotted this. Well, Ah Bian is indeed quite famous there & what does this picture show us about Ah Bian? The money signs? Well.. =)
Shui jian bao~
I've never seen so many boots in my life!
Yeah, only 1807hrs and the sky is this dark.
Day 3: Filming of Wo Cai
Jacky's hardcore fan. Super siao on.
That lady in the off-shoulder top is Xu Hui Xing's sister. Look alike eh?
Aiya.. tired liao. I go koon! BYE BYE!
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